We (my husband and I) are at that stage of life, where most of our family friends and relatives are either old or have parents who are 80+ or not keeping well. So the number of courtesy visits has increased a lot in the last couple of years. Also, most of the time, the families we visit are my husband's side; I know them through my husband only. My husband is the active visitor, and I am the reserved one; Anil is the one who does all the talking, especially on Old Time Sake topics.
From my close friends and cousins who have older parents at home, I have heard a lot about how they are judged for the condition in which their parents are, especially if they are the daughter-in-law. Not many understand the strain and stress the family members go through to take care of the Elderly, and the visitors end up making insensitive comments about the appearance or the physical condition.
Some of the things I had started doing consciously during such courtesy visits -
Always compliment the Elder, saying "You look good", or "You look a bit weak, but overall healthy", or "It's so nice to see you".This was my way of acknowledging that they are being well taken care of.
Ask the caregiver/ family members how they are doing, and if they are taking/getting help with other chores. Just listen to anything they want to say without judging them.
Show and share old photos of the person you are visiting
Get something which you know they like, it can be flowers, snacks or Suduku or books
Ask them before you take a snap with them, and only if they are comfortable being photographed, take the photo. Also, if you plan to share the photo in any group, ask for their consent. Trust me when I say that a couple of people have told me how they felt betrayed when they were photographed (while they were undergoing treatment) by a visitor without their knowledge. The photo got circulated in Whatsapp group, and people started calling and inquiring about the condition. (Something they did not want to go through, it was sheer trauma for everyone in their family)
Always thank the family members for allowing you to visit and spend time, and appreciate their hospitality.
These would be my basic etiquette rules for visiting an Elder. Always remember to be kind and non-judgmental towards the family
And if you are planning to visit someone you never liked, and still feel the same about them, then my suggestion will be, avoid the visit. I would say visit the sick (of any age) and elderly people only if you genuinely want to, and not just for formality's sake. Many times, that visit might end up being the last meeting, so ensure you have good memories of it to last a lifetime.
2 visits, all smiles - and that was our last visit in Dec 2024 before Appachan (our friend's father) died after 1.5 months of our visit. Similar story for the 2nd pic, we visited Usha ji in Sep 2023, and just a couple of months after the visit, she had to start on treatments, and then we never saw her.
No comments:
Post a Comment