Angel - Watching over us ..

This Sunday i did not see Rebecca - Esther's Sunday school teacher ... her son Rueben who is also Esther’s classmate was there ... then another friend of mine told .. Becky had miscarriage ... 5 months pregnant.... Rueben is not aware what happened .... and i stood there few seconds cold unable to speak much ... old memories ... .... May 2010... ... .. In my earlier post i had mentioned that we wanted 3 kids,(we still want 3 kids) but i guess we planned too much ..when Esther was 3 yr old i changed company and thought let me settle ... but then i left that company in 5 months and joined another company , again i thought let me settle ... took me 1 yr to settle and nothing happened as per our plan .. when Esther was 4.5 yrs old my doctor asked me to shed 10kgs even before thinking of next baby , and i did loose 10-13 kgs .. still nothing happened ...
Esther 6 yrs old and started asking -- my friends have got sisters , why dont i have .. and i told her to pray ... Mar2010 finally good news ... well i could not believe the test result ..went to my doc and indeed positive .... that was long wait .. called up Anil , went to Kursh Muddu (church) lite candle thanking god .... and then the planning ... its going to be Nov baby,i should not over eat , exercise, sugar control , manage office continue the way its going ... in office tell couple of my good friends .. go for regular check up ... go alone, why to bother ‘Anil make him wait for long ... then doc says all is well first scan - first trimester around May 1st .. thats cool , i take scanning appointment for May 1st -- long list of appointments get around 12-15th number .. i take it anyway its after a week and its a holiday ... At office its a regular week ... i have to attend some leadership training .. i inform my parents, in law and manager about my pregnancy , he is nice man tells me to take things easy at work .. leadership training goes well .. , at home things are ok smooth , i stop taking my scooter to office and take low floor Volvo bus ... get the sickness / once i get down of the bus much before reaching my stop .. i did not have this sickness with Esther ... from then on i carry a plastic bag/cover incase sickness goes beyond my control ...

May 1st after breakfast i go for the check up -- its at walking distance and my doc likes the fact that all these years when ever i have gone to meet her , i have gone walking ... i go t the scanning counter ... long wait .. almost 1.5 hrs ... i have a book with me "And now I can see" - Christopher Coelho" round 12:30 i get to go in the room .. doctor is scanning another expecting mother .. i sit relaxed.. and then my turn ... I wearing a Jeans and T Shirt ... doctor smiles at me ..i smile back .. he starts asking question - 1st kid , i say no 2nd , normal delivery for the first ? i say yes --had any problems with first pregnancy - i say no .. then he becomes quite .. tries to concentrate on the images ... after few minutes of concentration, he asks - did you have any history of pregnancy failure ? i say no - i had problem conceiving but nothing beyond that .. no problems so far ... his expression changes further ... and now my heart starts beating faster ... i ask Doctor is there a problem ? still looking on the image he says -- looks like there is some problem ...I ask doctor is baby ok ? -- he looks grim still looking at the screen .. baby is not moving .. no movements ...I cant understand ... I don’t know what does that mean, I am fine, I had no problem , no bleeding no pain ... pain maybe just once 2 days back but that was just for few seconds ,, he finishes the scanning and tells me that there is no fetal movement ... and my doctor will tell me more ... i take the report to my doc .. till then i am in control ... i read the hand written report ... "Single live fetus around 11 weeks , no fetal movement .. am loosing my courage ... i see my doctor .. and she is surprised to see the report ... she does a quick check again with her scan ... she says knowing me .. "Simmi its early pregnancy failure -- i know you have been waiting long .. this is natures way of doing quality control ..." and i just loose all my control ... Anil is not there .. i need to cry loud ... i need to hold on to somebody ... she continues -- come on Monday after 12 pm we can do DNC ... and i cry .. she makes me sit ... there are other ladies in the room and realizing all are expecting mom i don’t want them to get anxious ... i leave the room .. walk back home 10 mins walk ... i see Anil -- hug him tight and cry out loud ... "We lost our baby" ...

Anil is shocked ... i cling on him ... he takes me inside ... i tell him in detail ... he too is shattered ... maybe we can go for another doc opinion ... and i keep thinking ... Live fetus no movement ... its alive ,, how can i go for DnC ... what used to happen in older generation when there was no scan ...i cant sleep .... Sunday we go to church there we meet our Doctor friends tell them about the report ... they also give the same advice ... on Monday i go for another scan ... same report and same advice .. and i agree for DNC ... even though i have put Out of Office message , i keep getting official calls and I keep attending till they take me for change .. .. Anil seeing this gets pissed off and reframes the OOO message ... "Appreciate if you dont call on my mobile" ... i remember till Anesthesia injected .. and i remember waking after maybe an hour ... another 1 hr hour am back home ... angry and irritated with myself .. i could not save my baby, maybe i was responsible also , long hours working , responding to mails till midnight everyday .,.too much time on call answering peoples query ... was it because of stress .. no i was comfortable , i did not have any problem ... still feeling guilty ... was asked to be in bed for 3-4 days ... but i just could not .... i wanted to get back to my normal routine .. i didn’t want to be on bed .. would just start crying ... silently .. Esther was not sure what was happening -- we had not told her about baby ... and i just said mummy is not well ... will be fine soon ..

3 of my friends and good colleagues ( i call them 3 idiots ) called me the same evening ... without saying much they understood my pain .... took 1 month off but was working from home ....after a month went for check up, and doctor said ... simmi don’t let this incident stop you from thinking of having baby ... still depressed and feeling guilty .. weeks passed .. still i would cry alone ... why did this happen ... if it was not meant to be then why god gave me hope ... feeling let down .. and then we happen to meet Rajesh , Anils childhood friend , who has great faith ... he heard me and said why do you feel bitter ... God gave you an angel and the angel up there is now so close to god taking care of you and your family a .... that angel is watching over you ... did feel better ...but somewhere inside the pain was there ... 6 months later i was putting on weight -- thought of checking with doctor on my Thyroid levels before starting on diet ... doctor smiled at me and asked - how are you now Simmi -- i just smiled and told putting on weight came for a regular checkup .. she said let me check... she scanned and said "Simmi you are pregnant " - I say "WHAT ?" - she continues -- you are pregnant atleast 2 months ! ….. and then 6 months later Ezekiel happened ...

It has not been easy to write this down, but i think i must, i didn’t want to talk about it when this happened to me, i didnt want my mom and mom in law to know how i felt , i wanted to get back to normal at the earliest , i did not want to get sympathy or blame ... nobody near me had gone through this pain so i was kind of sure no one can actually understand what i was going through ... so now i write this ... i do believe my angel "Mikhail /Gabriella" is watching over me ... i do believe Becky's angel is also watching over her .. and i know how difficult it is for Becky and her family... hope she will get over this phase ... hope she will accept ...and hope we will realize we all have one Guardian Angel watching over us .... if you Get a chance listen to this song by Bryan Adams ..

Star" by Bryan Adams

What cha wanna be - when you grow up

What cha gonna do - when your time is up

What cha gonna say - when things go wrong

What cha wanna do - when you're on your own

There's a road - long and winding

The lights are blindin' - but it gets there

Don't give up - don't look back

There's a silver linin' - it's out there somewhere

Everybody wants an answer - everybody needs a friend

We all need a shinin' star on which we can depend

N' so tonight we're gonna wish upon a star

We never wished upon before - (to find what you're Looking for)

There'll be times - in your life

Ya when you' be dancin' n' sh** - but you ain't gettin it

But don't get disillusioned - no, don't expect too much

Cuz if what you have is all you can get - just keep on

Tryin' - it just ain't happened yet Everybody wants ta be winner - everybody has a dream

We all need a shinin' star when things ain't what they seem

So tonight we're gonna wish upon a star

We never wished upon before - (gotta get where you're Headed for)

Everybody wants some kindness - everybody needs a break

We all need a shinin' star when things get hard to take

So tonight we're gonna wish upon a star

We never wished upon before